Day 631: PTSD

Day 631: PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - that's what my therapist calls the anxiety and panic attacks that I am struggling with right now.  The question is how does a mom, wife, librarian, and runner living in the mid-west get PTSD?  Doesn't this only affect soldiers?  A fast moving storm filled with hurricane force winds is how.  On June 30th a tree fell on my house and I was standing in the room that was destroyed.  It has taken weeks for me to stop hearing the sound of the tree crashing through the ceiling every time I close my eyes.  The anxiety was intense and continues to plague me.

So, what does this have to do with running?  For the last month I have struggled to do the one thing that was a stress reliever.  The one thing that helped me calm down after a long, hard day of work is now causing panic attacks.  Running is one of those things that triggers a person's fight or flight response.  It helps you run faster and farther when in danger.  This response is why runners have a runny nose, stop to use the bathroom right before running (or during), and experience an adrenaline rush (or runner's high).

Today was really tough.  With my anxiety levels still running high, I had a full blown panic attack while do some hill training with my running group.  I ended up hyperventilating and crying during most of the run.  You see, I know that I am the slowest person in the group and there is really no way for me to keep up without modifications.  I know this and have accepted this.  So has my running group.  But, today the pressure to keep up was too much.

This leaves me wondering how I am going to do during my first half marathon in less than a month.  I really want to do well (finish in about 3 hours).  I know that I will be at the end of the pack, again.  I just don't want to have a DNF because of a panic attack.  Guess my therapist and I have some work to do.

Taking lots of deep breaths,
Lisa