Day 634: That Moment

Day 634: That Moment

I posted this on Facebook earlier today because I've been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 weeks now.  I find that it is really hard to explain to others what exactly is going on during those moments of intense anxiety and sadness.  I hope this sheds some light.
 
As some of you know, I had a major panic attack Saturday morning while doing some hill training with the Southfield Running group.  Hill training is suppose to be hard.  It challenges you physically and mentally - and I lost it mentally.

Imagine for a moment running up a steep hill, giving it all you've got, and seeing that not only are you the last one up hill, but everyone else is on the other side, far, far away.  In that moment, it is hard to remember just how far you've come.  It is hard to remember that you couldn't even make it up that hill two years ago.  In that moment, all you see, feel, and know is that everyone else is so much farther ahead of you.  In that moment anxiety and depression live. 

Yes, I have become a much stronger runner.  Every race I've re-run this year I've run at least 4 1/2 to 5 mins. faster.  (Which is an unbelievable amount of improvement in the running world.)  But, I'm still slow and am still the last one across the line and that gets tiring.  It's hard to always be last, to never know what it's like to finish anywhere near the front, to know that everyone is waiting on you.  The mental part of running is tough and I am struggling to be tougher.

So, when you see me out there running, say a prayer for me.  Not necessarily that I'll be faster, but that I'll be tougher - that I'll finish the race God set before me and hear the words, "Well done," in that moment of deepest despair.

Lisa