Day 634: That Moment
I posted this on Facebook earlier today because I've been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 weeks now. I find that it is really hard to explain to others what exactly is going on during those moments of intense anxiety and sadness. I hope this sheds some light.
As some of you know, I had a major panic attack Saturday morning while doing some hill training with the Southfield Running group. Hill training is suppose to be hard. It challenges you physically and mentally - and I lost it mentally.
Imagine for a moment running up a steep hill, giving it all you've got, and seeing that not only are you the last one up hill, but everyone else is on the other side, far, far away. In that moment, it is hard to remember just how far you've come. It is hard to remember that you couldn't even make it up that hill two years ago. In that moment, all you see, feel, and know is that everyone else is so much farther ahead of you. In that moment anxiety and depression live.
Yes, I have become a much stronger runner. Every race I've re-run this year I've run at least 4 1/2 to 5 mins. faster. (Which is an unbelievable amount of improvement in the running world.) But, I'm still slow and am still the last one across the line and that gets tiring. It's hard to always be last, to never know what it's like to finish anywhere near the front, to know that everyone is waiting on you. The mental part of running is tough and I am struggling to be tougher.
So, when you see me out there running, say a prayer for me. Not necessarily that I'll be faster, but that I'll be tougher - that I'll finish the race God set before me and hear the words, "Well done," in that moment of deepest despair.
Lisa
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Saturday, August 9, 2014
Day 631: PTSD
Day 631: PTSD
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - that's what my therapist calls the anxiety and panic attacks that I am struggling with right now. The question is how does a mom, wife, librarian, and runner living in the mid-west get PTSD? Doesn't this only affect soldiers? A fast moving storm filled with hurricane force winds is how. On June 30th a tree fell on my house and I was standing in the room that was destroyed. It has taken weeks for me to stop hearing the sound of the tree crashing through the ceiling every time I close my eyes. The anxiety was intense and continues to plague me.
So, what does this have to do with running? For the last month I have struggled to do the one thing that was a stress reliever. The one thing that helped me calm down after a long, hard day of work is now causing panic attacks. Running is one of those things that triggers a person's fight or flight response. It helps you run faster and farther when in danger. This response is why runners have a runny nose, stop to use the bathroom right before running (or during), and experience an adrenaline rush (or runner's high).
Today was really tough. With my anxiety levels still running high, I had a full blown panic attack while do some hill training with my running group. I ended up hyperventilating and crying during most of the run. You see, I know that I am the slowest person in the group and there is really no way for me to keep up without modifications. I know this and have accepted this. So has my running group. But, today the pressure to keep up was too much.
This leaves me wondering how I am going to do during my first half marathon in less than a month. I really want to do well (finish in about 3 hours). I know that I will be at the end of the pack, again. I just don't want to have a DNF because of a panic attack. Guess my therapist and I have some work to do.
Taking lots of deep breaths,
Lisa
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - that's what my therapist calls the anxiety and panic attacks that I am struggling with right now. The question is how does a mom, wife, librarian, and runner living in the mid-west get PTSD? Doesn't this only affect soldiers? A fast moving storm filled with hurricane force winds is how. On June 30th a tree fell on my house and I was standing in the room that was destroyed. It has taken weeks for me to stop hearing the sound of the tree crashing through the ceiling every time I close my eyes. The anxiety was intense and continues to plague me.
So, what does this have to do with running? For the last month I have struggled to do the one thing that was a stress reliever. The one thing that helped me calm down after a long, hard day of work is now causing panic attacks. Running is one of those things that triggers a person's fight or flight response. It helps you run faster and farther when in danger. This response is why runners have a runny nose, stop to use the bathroom right before running (or during), and experience an adrenaline rush (or runner's high).
Today was really tough. With my anxiety levels still running high, I had a full blown panic attack while do some hill training with my running group. I ended up hyperventilating and crying during most of the run. You see, I know that I am the slowest person in the group and there is really no way for me to keep up without modifications. I know this and have accepted this. So has my running group. But, today the pressure to keep up was too much.
This leaves me wondering how I am going to do during my first half marathon in less than a month. I really want to do well (finish in about 3 hours). I know that I will be at the end of the pack, again. I just don't want to have a DNF because of a panic attack. Guess my therapist and I have some work to do.
Taking lots of deep breaths,
Lisa
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