Year 2, Day 222: The Year of Healing

Year 2, Day 222

The Year of Healing

I can't believe it has been over two and a half years since I started my running journey.  I thought the months of physical therapy I went through just to get to the point of running was hard, but this last year has proven to be harder.  I learned that physical training is hard, but the work behind emotional healing is even harder. 

It was just over a year ago when my life was turned upside down by a storm.  Everything that had made me feel safe and secure had been damaged.  There was a hole in my roof and fear in my heart.  Running grew more challenging because of frequent panic attacks due to PTSD.  

My evening runs grew infrequent because I was having panic attacks during my runs.  Then my husband brought home a dog named Heidi.  She became my running partner for several months.  During that time, my panic attacks lessened and even stopped during my runs.  

Today, I was able to go for a two and a half mile run alone without a panic attack and without Heidi.  I still have panic attacks when it rains or I get stressed out, but I'm hoping that soon running will be a place that relieves stress once again. 

Day 678: Let's Catch Up!

Day 678:

Let's Catch Up!

Well, once again, I have neglected writing here in lieu of just posting on Facebook.  And a lot has happened since my last post.  Here's the quick catch up:

Toward the end of August (just two weeks before my first half marathon) my shorts ripped and left me having to embark on a late season shopping trip for running for shorts for the not-so-thin.  Anyone who has ever gone shopping with me knows this is no easy feat.  Add in that I am not only shopping for fitness apparel, but my body is not shaped like most runners, I began to fear that might have to run my first half in the buff.  (Not a pretty site.)

One week before my half, Lane Bryant to the rescue!  Shorts were found and a local big girls' store with a great fitness section that includes more than two items.  YAY!

Sept 1st dawned with rain clouds on the horizon.  I ran my first my half marathon in 3 hours 27 mins with only a little rain toward the end (and lots of mosquito bites).  I did have some trouble with my knee.  I think I pushed it too far (distance), too fast.  Either way, the race was awesome!  I might not have met most of my goals, but I did it and now have some new goals to work toward.

Sept 2nd, I severely sprained my right ankle while walking my bike to sidewalk.  Guess God decided I needed a little more time to recoup than I had planned on taking. 

Now, my ankle is mostly healed - just a few tender-to-the-touch spots - but now is the time for the secondary injuries to appear.  My poor knee is all stressed out from the race and supporting my injured ankle.  So, after today's run, I am back to icing my knee. 

So what about those new goals I mentioned?  Here they are:  Run a 5k in 40 mins. Run a half marathon in 3hrs. Consistently run under 9 min/km (14:30 min/mi) pace.  Participate in a triathlon in the late summer/fall of 2015.  Run my first full marathon in 2016.  

Whew!  That's a lot.  Looks like I have some work to do now.
See you out on the road!
Lisa

Day 634: That Moment

Day 634: That Moment

I posted this on Facebook earlier today because I've been struggling with anxiety and panic attacks for about 6 weeks now.  I find that it is really hard to explain to others what exactly is going on during those moments of intense anxiety and sadness.  I hope this sheds some light.
 
As some of you know, I had a major panic attack Saturday morning while doing some hill training with the Southfield Running group.  Hill training is suppose to be hard.  It challenges you physically and mentally - and I lost it mentally.

Imagine for a moment running up a steep hill, giving it all you've got, and seeing that not only are you the last one up hill, but everyone else is on the other side, far, far away.  In that moment, it is hard to remember just how far you've come.  It is hard to remember that you couldn't even make it up that hill two years ago.  In that moment, all you see, feel, and know is that everyone else is so much farther ahead of you.  In that moment anxiety and depression live. 

Yes, I have become a much stronger runner.  Every race I've re-run this year I've run at least 4 1/2 to 5 mins. faster.  (Which is an unbelievable amount of improvement in the running world.)  But, I'm still slow and am still the last one across the line and that gets tiring.  It's hard to always be last, to never know what it's like to finish anywhere near the front, to know that everyone is waiting on you.  The mental part of running is tough and I am struggling to be tougher.

So, when you see me out there running, say a prayer for me.  Not necessarily that I'll be faster, but that I'll be tougher - that I'll finish the race God set before me and hear the words, "Well done," in that moment of deepest despair.

Lisa

Day 631: PTSD

Day 631: PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - that's what my therapist calls the anxiety and panic attacks that I am struggling with right now.  The question is how does a mom, wife, librarian, and runner living in the mid-west get PTSD?  Doesn't this only affect soldiers?  A fast moving storm filled with hurricane force winds is how.  On June 30th a tree fell on my house and I was standing in the room that was destroyed.  It has taken weeks for me to stop hearing the sound of the tree crashing through the ceiling every time I close my eyes.  The anxiety was intense and continues to plague me.

So, what does this have to do with running?  For the last month I have struggled to do the one thing that was a stress reliever.  The one thing that helped me calm down after a long, hard day of work is now causing panic attacks.  Running is one of those things that triggers a person's fight or flight response.  It helps you run faster and farther when in danger.  This response is why runners have a runny nose, stop to use the bathroom right before running (or during), and experience an adrenaline rush (or runner's high).

Today was really tough.  With my anxiety levels still running high, I had a full blown panic attack while do some hill training with my running group.  I ended up hyperventilating and crying during most of the run.  You see, I know that I am the slowest person in the group and there is really no way for me to keep up without modifications.  I know this and have accepted this.  So has my running group.  But, today the pressure to keep up was too much.

This leaves me wondering how I am going to do during my first half marathon in less than a month.  I really want to do well (finish in about 3 hours).  I know that I will be at the end of the pack, again.  I just don't want to have a DNF because of a panic attack.  Guess my therapist and I have some work to do.

Taking lots of deep breaths,
Lisa

Day 561: Grant's Wish

Day 561: Grant's Wish - One Year Anniversary!

This was suppose to be written and posted on May 31, 2014.  However technology has not been my friend recently.  My computer was slowly dieing a horrible death and would daily decided which programs or features I was allowed to use.  Therefore, I could find this website, read posts, title a post, but not compose one.  Hmmm, frustrating.  Especially as this race marked my one year anniversary of racing.

So, computer issues aside, there are so many things to celebrate about the last year of running.

First, I am faster than I was a year ago!  (I know I'm still a turtle compared to most runners, but I'm now a very fast turtle!)  I finished over 5 minutes faster this year with a time of 43:08.  Still missing the all allusive 40 minute 5k mark that will move me from turtle status to something a little faster (not sure what yet).  I plan to attain that 40 minute mark this year at the Sundowner knowing I was about minute off during that race last year. 

Second, I made it one full year of races without any injuries!  No rehab! No crutches, or wraps, or anything but a few well deserved sore muscles. 

Third, I finished 5 different races!  Did you catch that?  I FINISHED 5 races!  I didn't just think about running and racing.  I didn't just hope to race or hope to finish.  I did it!  I trained, registered, showed up, ran, and crossed the finish line. 

So, what are you celebrating this race season?  Me?  Running free for one year!
Lisa

Day 512: The Hardest. Race. Ever. Done!

Day 512:

The Hardest. Race. Ever. Done!

 

The "Toughest 10k in the Midwest" is done! 

I ran. 

There were hills. 

Lots of hills. 

I finished. 

I met my goal.

1:30:49

Funds raised = $205

 

So, what more can I say other than thank you! 

Thank you to all the runners at Southfield Church who have helped me train for this race.  Especially Bob Coyne who put together all the workouts.

Thank you to my family for putting up with all the hours of work that goes into training for any race.

Thank you to all those who donated to Abolution International and giving new meaning to being free to run.

Thank you Mom and Doug for showing up to cheer me on at mile 5.5.

Thank you Haley Hurd and her cheering crew for brightening a very tough mile 2.5.

Thank you Daisy Austin for being an awesome friend, running partner, and photographer (that's her picture of me above).

Thank you Ray and Alice Capps for being there at the finish line to cheer me home.

Thank you Vicki Braun and Joie Austin for running the last .2 miles with me.

Thank you for taking the time to read this blog and follow my running journey.

 

What's next you may ask?

Finish the other two races in the Run3

Half-marathon in the fall!

 

Taking a well deserved nap now,

Lisa



Day 506: The Scariest Race Ever (So Far)!

Day 506:

The Scariest Race Ever (So Far)!

 

Saturday, April 12, 2014 is the date. 

 

Rockdale Ramble, also known as the toughest 10k in the Midwest, is the name. 

 

10 kilometers (or 6.2 miles) is the distance.

Am I ready? I thought I was until it came time to start my preview run of the race course yesterday.  Circumstances conspired against me and I ended up running my preview alone in the middle of the afternoon.  It was warmer in the afternoon than in the morning, but that was really the only redeeming point of the run. 

 

With map in hand, I sat on my couch, dressed to run, trying not to hyperventilate.  Runner me kept telling myself, "You've trained for this!  You've spent the last four Saturdays running up and down hills so you could run this.  Let's go!"  Hyperventilating me kept staring at the map saying, "How far did you say that is?  I've driven down that road.  It goes on forever!  What were you thinking?"

 

Finally, I got up and drove to the starting line.  Hyperventilating Lisa voted for driving the route.  Runner Lisa answered with you have to at least walk it. 

 

Well, I did run most of the route and walked when I had to stop and read the map. I made it back to my car and really wished I had been able to do this with my group.  I know that I would not have been able to keep up with any of them, but at least someone would have been waiting for me at the end. 

 

But I. Did. It!  I ran the course.  I found all the hills.  (And yes, every hill in Illinois is located in Rockdale.)  I faced my fear!

 

So, earlier today I posted this on Facebook:

 

As many of you know, I am running the Rockdale Ramble 10k. This is the longest and most difficult race I have ever attempted (so far). To celebrate this, I joined with WBGL and Abolution International and am raising funds to fight human trafficing. I am asking all my friends and family (those on Facebook and those who are not) to help me by praying for the girls who are healing from the horrors of slavery and/or by donating to help build a home in Nashville that will house rescued girls.  

 Here's the link to donate: http://www.crowdrise.com/TeamWBGL2014/fundraiser/lisabutler2

You see, even though this blog is called A Runner's Journal, the web address is runningfreefinally.  Today, I am free to run.  And today there are girls out there who are not free.  Period.  I am free from injury, worry, and fear.  There are girls who are not.  And there are girls out there who have been rescued from slavery and are facing their fears right now in order to heal from the scars left on their souls.  I want to honor them by helping my favorite radio station raise money to build a house for these girls to live in, learn at, and have the time they need to heal.  Will you join me?

Facing fear together,
Lisa